Turning 40

I friggin WISH I was turning 40!  I was a 175lbs when I turned 40 and I wore a size 12 and looked scrumptious.  I'll never forget that day--we had a party in the back yard and a friend of mine helped cater and serve.  It was hotter than Hades but hell if I was not going to wear my birthday outfit:  Delicious Calvin Klein jeans with a sleeveless electric blue silk top and long gold chains with coins on them adorning my neck.  Oh yes, and I had electric blue toenails and fingernails to go with it!  (Blue is my favorite color!)

But here I sit, about to turn 43 next month and somehow I've ballooned up to 215lbs.  Those Calvin Klein jeans have been stored away (for what, I don't know) and I cannot really bear the thought of ushering in birthday number 43 with this heavy burden both on my ass and in my heart.

Like a new car you drive off the lot, depreciation begins immediately.  After a few years shit just starts to fall off.  Things rust.  Wear out.  Need to be replaced.  Things loosen, slip, bulge and need oiling.  And no matter how much care you take there's always another screw loose here or a nut missing there.  For the first time every in the history of my life, I actually do NOT look forward to my birthday.

No one who knows me would believe it but its true this year.  The number never bothered me but the aches and pains do.  The extra weight and extra sweating does.  My ITP does and my teenage acne which grew into adult acne and is now considered hormonal acne does too.

Turning 40 was great, but 43?  in the words of my wise and brilliant older sister: "This is BULLSHIT!"

Brian and I

Yesterday I went to Montclair with my son, Brian.  He loves walking around just like me.  Also we went to Doin' Dishes and painted pottery.  I painted a bowl that looks like a flower.  Brian painted a cupcake with strawberries and on Saturday we will go back to get it.

Wait, wait, wait.  That was not me.  My SON dictated the top part of this blog.  He thinks its so easy to write a story.  LOL.  But I wanted to tell you a different story about our time yesterday.  We put money in the meter and walked down the block looking at the antique stores (which I love and Brian tolerates).

Fortunately, it wasn't blazing hot so the walking wasn't too bad.  The first thing Brian wanted was tea.  He loves tea.  He spotted the Starbuck's first so we made a beeline for it and he had his usual: hot black tea with a little ice and room for milk.  Instead of milk he puts in a good splash of half and half and 2 Splenda which makes the drink virually carbless so he doesn't have to give himself insulin for it.

After that I figured we should really eat something before his blood sugar starts dropping.  We went to an outside cafe and he ordered what he usually orders: pasta with olive oil and parmesan, a ceasar salad and a diet cola.   We sat under a giant square umbrella and as he talked excitedly about dinosaurs and their powers I watched his perfect, poreless, amber brown skin and his mess of eyelashes, and the two teeth he has in the front with another coming in next to it (he is definitely going to need braces) and I felt a pang at the idea that one day he would not be a little boy.

There is an easiness we have when we are together.  I feel unburdened for the most part when we are out together and my stress level drops dramatically.  We both have fiery tempers that flair at times and a low or a high blood sugar never helps things but over all I think it might be the absence of ADD that makes all the difference in the world.

My husband and my first son both have ADD and being around them can be a harrowing experience.   It's not that Brian and I aren't used to it by now or even that we dislike it.  I think its more that we need a break from it sometimes.  All the loud talk and the quick tempers and the confusion and the arguing--its just a cacophony of confusion, lost keys and wallets, forgetten meds, last minute delays, messiness, disorganization and stress.

But then there's that other thing--I really really like that kid, Brian.  He is interesting to talk to and his face is so animated that you can't help but become engaged in whatever he is saying.  I love how mature he is at 8 years old and I love how intuitive he is about people (especially me).  We both can just sit there having lunch and sip diet sodas and be totally content in each other's company...I am untaxed.

And as I watch and listen to him describing the differences in ceasar dressings; how the dressing on the salad he's eating is wayyyy better than any other dressing, as he is no longer a fan of the McDonald's ceasar dressing I feel afraid for myself that its all going too fast.  He is is going to grow up and I will have nothing left but the aged, curling memories like this one blowing in the wind. 

While I'm busy working on my "curl game",  our 14 year old son is working on his "weight loss game", "his anxiety game", "his Asperger game",  his ADD, Depression etc.  I am on a diet along with my son who would desperately like to loose weight before he starts high school.

I think he is trying to start fresh.  Become something new.  Not a freak?

He hasn't been in school since January 2012.  School creates a lot of pressure for him both because of his ADD and giftedness but also because of this AS and social anxiety.  Even when he appears normal on the outside he is scratching and clawing to get away from all of these "normal" people and these social norms that exhaust him.

Yesterday I slipped on my diet.  Bad!  And since I am a binge eater, when I slip it is a colossal, tangled legged, downward, top speed, spiral, tuck and roll to the end.  My son was devastated.

"You're not my mother."
"How could you do this?"
"I don't even know you."
"So you're just going to give up...."

I sat back, angry and indignant and hurt by the truth of it, slurping down my second giant bowl of apple pie and ice cream.  It is very hard to be perfect.  Lord knows I've spent my entire life trying, but kids are a wiz at pointing out every flaw you have and then making you feel like shit about it.

I already felt like shit, so I only felt shitty-er.  Today, my son decided to follow me down the slide into oblivion and ate a half a gallon of ice cream and 12oz bag of chocolate chips.  Both of us have been battling with our weight for a while although he was skinny as a kid and I just never was.  So his binge was my fault.

Bad genes?  Nature vs. Nurture?  I really don't know.  So I will continue dieting and trying to help my son do the same as I work on my curls to see if maybe, just maybe, I can get SOME damn thing right.

Curly Girls

I know it seems like this has turned into a curly hair blog but really, it hasn't.  What I love about blogging is that there are no rules.  It's the truest form of freedom to express oneself without worrying about grammar, punctuation or staying on topic.  So I write about what is interesting, important or aggravating to me at any given time.  It just so happens I am currently obsessed with curly hair at the moment.

There are SOOOO many products out there to choose from.  Slowly but surely I am trying them all, which is a daunting - not to mention expensive - task.  Shea Moisture products remains my favorite product line so far although I STILL haven't tried Mixed Chicks yet but soon.

I've had a few bad experiences with my curly hair.  Consistency is the biggest problem.  Sometimes I get nice chunky curls that sit properly on my head and other times the front right side of my hair won't curl or I somehow must have messed with it too much while it was wet and I get that disturbing "web" of frizz over my beautiful curls.

Then again I am still experimenting so maybe that would account for it.  Either way my hair is being more conditioned by this process than ever before so I'm curious to see if it's in better shape by the time the cool weather comes and I wear it straight more often.  All I can tell you is that you need to be very generous with the product, especially if you have thick hair.    On one of the videos I watched it said you should hear a certain squelchy sound and that's how you know you have enough product in your hair.  It's true.

So stay tuned for more ...

A Very Good Day

Hot! Hot! Hot!

A few weeks ago I went to North Carolina with my younger son to visit my family.  The houses there are newer than the ones in West Orange, NJ.  My house was built in 1927.  My sister's house is in a sub division and was probably built less than 15 years ago.  That means CENTRAL AIR!

But even with that, I was so hot during the entire visit that my mom raised her eyebrows and said, "Maybe you're going through the change."  The change?  Just because the house was damned hot?  Ok, fast forward to last weekend.  My husband and I went to a children's birthday party at a friends house.

Yes, it was hot.  It really was, but I seemed to be the only one bleeding sweat.  I did not perspire.  I sweated from my cheeks, my chin, my nose, my neck, my armpits.   As we sat poolside watching the children play and splash I was busy mopping my face so frequently that people began asking me if I was ok.  Of course I'm ok! I thought.  Jeez, it was friggin hot.  By the end of the party I sat in the same folding chair with empty bottles of what had been ice cold water and a half used roll of paper towels which someone had finally brought over just for me.

Ok, all of that is well and good.  It was a hot day.  But then last night as I tried to lay down and go to sleep all I could hear was the hum of the air conditioner which was on full blast.  I didn't feel it.  I just could hear it.  My son lay next to me waiting for his father to carry him off to bed.  As I lay there I seemed to feel the heat radiating off of my son like a hot stone.

I shifted and threw the covers off.  No good.  I put my face and head up to the air conditioner.  I was only cool until I peeled my face off of the air conditioner.  Then I was just as hot as I was before.  I put my pillow up to the air conditioner to try to cool it off.  Nothing doing.  So I laid there as the back of my ears dribbled sweat whirls down the back of my neck and around to the front of my neck.  My armpits ran.  Underneath my breasts were drenched.

My husband brought in the fan put it next to the bed.  Nothing.  Finally he put the fan on my night table pointing directly at me.  Ahhhhh.  Finally!  Finally the sweat evaporated and my skin began to feel cool.  Still I slept fitfully which is not like me at all.  I don't know what this is but if this IS the change I am in for some serious misery!!!

More Curly Thoughts

So here's what I've learned: 

1. The front of my hair does not like to curl
2. It takes a long ass time to dry my hair naturally
3. All curly hair has a "type" which you can find out on naturallycurly.com
4. Seems like I am losing MORE hair in the shower than I used to (gotta pay attention to that, not sure if its my imagination or what)
5. Too MUCH product is a bad thing
6. Too LITTLE product is a worse thing
7. Experimenting with different products and different amounts is key to get the right combination for YOUR hair
8. My FAVORITE products are: Jane Carter Leave in Conditioning spray and  Shea Moisture Restorative conditioner
9. My favorite product line overall is the Shea Moisture line which can be found at Target and Walgreens (it's also the least expensive).
10. Moroccan Oil and Argan Oil are very nice but will NOT change your life (as I had been told by so many people)   

Reaching Potential

It's great to feel the tide turn after a long battle with sameness.  You know how a person might struggle so long in a bad relationship or with their weight or with being unemployed.  After a while all the battling and failing and whing and compllaining and feeling sorry for yourself just gets so old.

Thats where I am right now.  I have been strugglinrg with my weight, my acne, my hair.   Finally I'm losing a few pounds here and there and I'm taking Isotetrin for my acne.  And then there's the curly revelotion which is more chane and less fight against what is natural (my curly hair).  Suffice it to say I am feeling great these days.

Change is good.  Sucess is even better.

More Curly Revelations

I'm learning so much about my hair and its texture.  What it likes to do.  What it wants to do and what it refuses to do.  I put my little sister on to the curly revelation and now she and I are texting and sending pics of our hair and new products we are trying to get our naturally curly hair just right.

This is so much fun!  And the beauty of it all is that there are no real mistakes.  If you jack it up, you can sling it into a ponytail.  So I'm still using the Shea Moisture Curl Defining Souffle because I like it and it works and since I paid for it, I'm going to finish it.  However, there is a tendency for crunchy-ness so after I'm done with it I'd like to try something lighter like Mixed Chicks leave-in conditioner.

It's all about experimentation