The One Year Plan

So I've been thinking.  The past 3 or 4 years have been a really shitty time for me and for my family.  Here are the areas that have made it so:

1. Issues with meds etc. for oldest son with Asperger's, ADD, Depression, Mood Disorder
2. Mother-in-Law with Dementia who lives in the basement 
3. Finances
4. Consistent weight gain with no end in sight for me
5. ITP, body aches from Isotetrinoin, Peri-menopause (also me)
6. Depression, Unemployment (husband)

We can't go this way.  As the saying goes, "Something has got to give!"  So I've decided we need a one year plan.  We can only tolerate one more year of this and it will take a year to truly be able to make significant changes in certain areas of our lives in order to make it more live able, doable, enjoyable.

1. Serenity prayer for our older son plus everything in the world we can do for him
2. Nursing home for Mother-in-Law. . .it is time
3. Apply for SSI for both children with disabilities to help with the mounting cost of meds, therapy, co-pays, life coaches etc.
4. Continued work on weight and introduce walking in hopes of some kind of improvement (plus Serenity prayer)
5. Deal with ITP, I will be off Isotetrin by December, try herbal remedies for night sweats etc.
6. Stick with plans for 1-5 to help alleviate pressure (depression) and keep looking for work--ANY work 

In a year's time I expect for some things to have improved for us.  Cole will be a year older and hopefully additional services for him will help with development (e.g.: online schooling, job, social skills training, new neurologist to replace current psychiatrist).  A nursing home will also take a great deal of pressure off of our family.  The kids will not feel as ill at ease with their grandmother roaming around looking confused and coming upstairs half dressed and my husband will no longer have the responsibilities of counting out meds, dealing with Access-A-Ride, driving his mom to dialysis whenever she gets the days mixed up, feeding her etc.

Hopefully with some of the pressure gone it will be easier for my husband to look for work full time and who knows, maybe the economy gets better?  Once I am off the Isotetrin, my body will feel better, my lips will stop peeling and I can feel like a human being again.  As always I will keep trying with my weight--its been a struggle my whole life and always will be.

And maybe this time next year I will be able to updated the blog from today with a list of things that have gotten better for us.  (INSERT another Serenity prayer here) :)

The Renassaince

Ever feel the need to start everything in your life all over again?  To just scrub it all away and make it clean and new?  Is it possible for a person to die of SAMENESS?

My life has been like that for a long time it seems.  I'm trying to remember back when it all began but it almost seems like forever.  Same struggles, same small victories, same fight in your heart, same depression filling in the blanks around it.  My life feels like stagnant sitting water with mosquitoes zipping across it and I want it to change.

I have no idea how I am going to do this.  Every plan is a version of the plan before it and every failure another version of itself.  But if I really look hard and think back I can remember a time when my life was like fresh running water.  Back then I didn't bleed for 2 hours if I stubbed my toe (no ITP).  I carried whatever weight I had alot more gracefully than I am able to now; no squeaks and pops and stiffness after sitting for too long; no huffing and puffing from the simplest physical tasks.

I had stamina.  I used to.  I was happier and had a positive attitude.  I wasn't hot and uncomfortable all the time.  My mind was razor sharp and something I could always count on.  I used to be proud of myself and there was an element of invincibility--THIS WILL LAST FOREVER!  But it hasn't lasted forever.  The only thing that feels like forever is this crazy loop I'm in where all things lead back to the beginning.

So here we are.  Right back to the brackish, stagnant, standing water swatting at mosquitoes. . . only now some of them carry West Nile virus.

Perfect.

WAIT! I Think She's Getting Up Folks. . .

How long have I been out?

I look around to see where I am.  I notice that I am fine.

I make two fists and press them into the ground to push myself up to a standing position.

My body feel stiff and a little sore.

I look at my butt and dust it off.

I breathe. . . .

Looks like I'm gonna make it after all.

Done.

I am scraped and screed and scalped and bald and worn out.  No treads.  No traction.  Flayed and flattened and run down.  Rusted and broken.  A junker.

Gone.

Done.