Ever feel the need to start everything in your life all over again? To just scrub it all away and make it clean and new? Is it possible for a person to die of SAMENESS?
My life has been like that for a long time it seems. I'm trying to remember back when it all began but it almost seems like forever. Same struggles, same small victories, same fight in your heart, same depression filling in the blanks around it. My life feels like stagnant sitting water with mosquitoes zipping across it and I want it to change.
I have no idea how I am going to do this. Every plan is a version of the plan before it and every failure another version of itself. But if I really look hard and think back I can remember a time when my life was like fresh running water. Back then I didn't bleed for 2 hours if I stubbed my toe (no ITP). I carried whatever weight I had alot more gracefully than I am able to now; no squeaks and pops and stiffness after sitting for too long; no huffing and puffing from the simplest physical tasks.
I had stamina. I used to. I was happier and had a positive attitude. I wasn't hot and uncomfortable all the time. My mind was razor sharp and something I could always count on. I used to be proud of myself and there was an element of invincibility--THIS WILL LAST FOREVER! But it hasn't lasted forever. The only thing that feels like forever is this crazy loop I'm in where all things lead back to the beginning.
So here we are. Right back to the brackish, stagnant, standing water swatting at mosquitoes. . . only now some of them carry West Nile virus.
Perfect.
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