I wrote my sisters a seething, negative, angry email last week. Have you ever been filled with so much ugliness and anger inside that you feel like you have to squeeze a little bit out on everyone you see just to get some relief from the pressure of it? The email I wrote wasn't to say that I was angry at THEM. It was to say how angry I am period.
I wanted to wipe it on someone else. I wanted to spray it out; pour it onto their heads. Here is what I'm feeling and its not fair! So I want to share some of it with you! Take that--and that--and that!!!!
In a way I am horrified at myself but I can't deny that it did offer some slight release inside me. Oh, how I loathe those people who seem to have a dark cloud over them. Every time you talk to them its always something. This one died, that one lost their job, this one was just diagnosed with cancer, that one tried to kill himself.
Whooooweeee, I tried to dodge those people like crazy when I was younger. I was almost afraid that some of it would rub off on me, stain my clothes, get me dirty. And somehow I have become one of those people. I mean What the Fuck? I'd call it poetic justice if there was any basis for my deserving it so I'll just have to name it IRONIC AS HELL!
There are people in my life who mean a great deal to me. Certainly my sisters, my aunts, my mother and father. . . but I can't reach them because I am straight jacketed right now. My wiring is off and sparking. I'm pissed and sad and suffer the chronic pain all pathetic, overly depressed, overly anxious people suffer with and I'm empty for the ones I love.
I have always been a positive person, full of strength and optimism and resiliency. But who am I now?
Who are you and why is it that you mirror, reflect and describe my life so concisely? Although, to be fair, my sister hasn't spoken to me in years and my attack last week, though legitimate, probably seemed to come out of nowhere to her and was a full frontal assault, (not a voicing of general life frustration.) Naturally, as is the case in such scenarios, I came off looking like a total jackass and probably extended the silent treatment by an inestimable amount of time.oh, well, guess it's time to forgive myself again and move forward. It's a shame I can't forgive her...
ReplyDeleteI wish I could help....that I could remove some of the ugly...or add enough of the good to make a difference. I can't. But I'm here: arms, fists, and heart ready to help where I can. And my prayer is for you to remember and hold onto the strength and optimism that is you because this-too-shall-pass....and you will need them.
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love......