My 20's were some of the best times of my life. You should have seen me then! I had a job with an investment banking firm when the economy was at its peak. That meant access to shows, restaurants, seats I'd never be able to afford otherwise. It was the land of milk and honey and I enjoyed every drop.
I worked out at the New York Health and Racquet Club on my lunch hour and after work 5 days a week and had a cute little eating disorder on the side. I was a size 6 (sometimes a size 4 on the top . . . to my chagrin) and man was I hot! I was always getting those secret side glances or else those boldly lustful stares that made me more uncomfortable than I liked to let on.
Since I was a kid, I've struggled with my weight but my 20's were definitely a time of total narcissism and self indulgence. I only had myself to think about so that's what I did. I thought about my hair, my nails, my body, my weight, my money, my vacations, my shopping. Damn it was a great time in history for me!
22 years later, I am faced with a shitty, bitter, hard to swallow truth. I don't have time for most of that pampering and self-indulgence. Even if I did, it would interfere with my dozing off like an old fart. I have 2 kids and a husband and a mortgage and more bills that I know what to do with. I've gained back every ounce of weight I've ever lost. I have ITP too (a platelet disorder that causes constant bruising on upper thighs, stomach and arms) so even if I didn't look like a sausage in a bathing suit, at best I could probably pass for an abused wife who is shelter worthy.
My 30's were great in their own way. That time of your life starts cementing who you are -- you come to grips with a lot of your short comings and you either let go of certain dreams and watch them fly away with a smile or else you make them come true. It's a time when you really get to know yourself and if you're lucky. . .like the person you've found.
40 started off with a bang but then slid helplessly and full tilt downhill. The economy never really did recover although I think its stabilized somewhat. I haven't had money problems since my late teens/early 20's so returning to that now definitely feels uncomfortable and kind of pisses me off.
And things I never questioned before have started cropping up. Like whether or not I want to stay married to my husband; whether I want to move to Maine so that I can be closer to Stephen King and if I should try acupuncture. Maybe this is my midlife crisis? Maybe I am just a different person than I used to be?
Or maybe I just need to lose some weight?
Midlife crisis is a misnomer for knowing what you want and doing it because you can. It's taking control of your life the same way you did back then, only in an more outwardly obvious way. I have a strange, pathetic nostalgia for the power and control that my own eating disorder gave me-I was too thin. It was fantastic- and it may be a midlife crisis but in the end, driving my Mustang is much more satisfying(and less messy)and pretty much makes the same statement. You're the same person you always were, just more sage and grounded than you probably ever thought you'd be. It's not a crisis. It's accepting the dark and the light and all the things in between and still being able to leave a miserable work day and climb into that beautiful, shiny 'Lil Horsey and drive away with that rush of shifted gears and squealing tires. And Maine is cold.
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