Shameful, Filthy Thoughts

Have you ever just wished for a do-over?  Sometimes I look around at my life and seem to only find the flaws.  Or at least the flaws are weighing more heavily lately than all the stuff I have to be thankful for.  The grass is always greener, be happy with what you have, you never know what you have until its gone.  Yeah I know all of that, yet I can't shake the unmistakable feeling that somewhere along the line I may have missed the boat.


I am not one to be plagued by what if's.  I am a decisive person with very few regrets.  So why does that question keeps going through my head like a banner attached to a plane going in circles.  It's not that my life is so bad or anything but I do wonder what it would be like not to have to check blood sugars at midnight or change infusion sets in the car because we didn't realize our son's pump only had 1 unit of insulin left before we left the house.  What would it be like not to have to worry about my son getting into a car or having sex without having a snack first?


My younger son, who is adventurous, came with me to an open house in a tony neighborhood recently.  The house was devoid of furniture so you could see all of the beautiful unscuffed wooden floors, the pristine wainscoting, the steady spiral staircase that led to spacious rooms with plenty of windows and light.  Nearly every room had its own bathroom.  Not at all like my house where there's always that knock at the door "What?", "I have to pee, are you gonna be in there long?" "Well, gimme a coupla minutes jeez..." "Ok.  And don't forget to spray!"


We are all guilty of comparing the outsides of other families with the inside of our own.  When you have special needs children, maybe you do that more?  Or maybe you do it less, because there's no time to daydream--there's usually only time enough to brace yourself for the next crisis.  Perhaps that somehow intensifies the feeling when you finally do have it?


Do other people ever imagine what it's like to spend every thread of hope and prayer on there NOT being a meltdown on any given day?  Is there someone out there dreaming of MY life and thinking how interesting it must be in comparison to their thin, boring, perfect, meaningless life?