PANTIES

Panties.

There are panty raids, panty wars and panty shields.  You got panty girdles and pantyhose too.  There's getting your panties in a twist and there is putting on your big girl panties but what I really came here to discuss is my panties.  I swear I don't ever recall having such an antagonistic relationship with my underwear.

It's true, I've gained a few pounds (39) but perhaps I might have been more careful about avoiding those softball-sized muffins and pints of Sweet Cream ice cream from Coldstone if I'd known in advance how that would impact my panty life.

Jockey hi-cut used to be my favorite.  They always fit perfectly and they are soft and if you really scour the internet you can find Jockey hi-cut panties with strawberries on them, flowers or stars.  I like that sort of thing.  But big ass panties are something different entirely!

I began my quest about 20 pounds ago when my underwear first stared rolling down.   OMG!  The military really could trade in water boarding and just make terrorist wear panties that roll down.  And they don't just roll down all at once--no--you can feel the band buckle at first.  Then there's this slow progression like a strip tease.

Slow torture is more like it!  First the panties roll down to your bellybutton and then stop there.  You think you're gonna be ok.  You had a set back, but nothing you can't handle.  You take a deep breath to regroup but then you feel that damn slow roll again.  You want so badly to jerk them back up just to avoid that next progression.  Sometimes I do, but when I'm sitting at my desk at work, I think the word for that particular move would be "inappropriate".  Sometimes I can't help myself and I do it anyway.  Those poor security cameras!

Ok so where were we?  Yes, so when panties come to a halt at the belly button you know you're in trouble.  The next step is a fast zip down to the very bottom of your stomach.  Your panties I mean.  That's where they end up.  I guess if you're thin that's where they start out, but when you are. . .er, em. . .not thin, that is where they end up.

Since this phenomena I have traveled to Macy's, JC Penney, Walmart and Lord & Taylor.  I've bought underwear from CVS, from Target, and from The Avenue.  Nothing doing.  I try size 7.  Size 9.  Hi-cut.  French cut.  My closet is chock full of 4-packs and 6-packs of underwear each with one pair missing:  I CAME, I SAW, I TRIED ON, I TORE OFF, I POUTED.

But 3 weeks ago I discovered a beautiful thing.  BRIEFS!  Jockey has a SuperSoft brief that fits perfectly and makes me feel very warm and happy inside.  This underwear rarely rolls down and for that, I forgive it on the few occasions when it does.  I managed to find Jockey SuperSoft briefs with polka dots.  Then I looked on ebay and found a 3-pack with a purple pair and a pair with purple and orange circles (SCORE!).

These panties have changed my life.  I am a happier more productive person.  I've learned to laugh more and my outlook on life has improved dramatically.  Perhaps I'll even stop taking my anti-depressants. . . ?